Living With Regrets

Today June 10, 2010 is the 3rd anniversary of my mother’s death. It is still so very difficult. In the beginning I had a very hard time moving past the pain and grief. I would go on - only to be ambushed by overwhelming waves of despair and loss. My tears turned to a deluge, flooding the present.

I felt my life was frozen in time. I was buried in my loss and pain, holding myself prisoner unable to free myself from the grief, consumed by regret.
Recently my friend, Carol, commented how lucky I was. She said, “Your mother was very loving and supportive. Even in her illness you knew she loved you. Some of us never know that kind of love from a parent.”

It is true, I am blessed. As I look back I have some wonderful memories.

I think part of the reason it took me so long to work through the pain was the regret. Mom was in a care facility the last 6 months of her life. She lost a lot of weight and became dehydrated. The hospital was unable to help. I regretted that when she needed me the most I had not been there. I had failed her.

I know that Alzheimer’s affects a person’s ability to swallow. My mother had a lot of dental problems that made chewing painful. I know intellectually that I did the best I could. Emotionally, I blame myself for being unable to take care of her. I know that the facility she was in did the best they could.

December 2006 I was hospitalized with Pancreatitis caused from gallbladder problems. I was in the hospital for 9 days. I did not have enough people to run 24 hour care while I recovered. So we had to move her to a private care facility. I wanted to bring Mom back home as soon as I recovered.

I returned to my teaching job in February. It was taking me much longer to recover than I had expected. Even when I returned to work I was unable to lift my mother by myself. I knew I was unable to care for her at home yet. All mother’s caregivers had other jobs by this point. Knowing this, I had planned to start hiring and training new caregivers as soon as school was out the end of May. Unfortunately, bringing Mom back home was not to be. She was hospitalized Saturday because of dehydration and died about a week later.

I still have regrets. There are days the tears cascade down my cheeks as I remember how tiny and vulnerable she was. I am learning to live with my regrets. Some days I just want to shout - "I want my Mom back!"

The Dangers of Dehydration

Dehydration can be a deadly threat to seniors. My mother, Elizabeth, was hospitalized because of dehydration. The Drs and hospital were unable to save her. She returned to the care facility were she had been staying and received hospice care for the last week of her life. I still grieve because I question what else I should have, could have done to have had a different outcome.
Preventing dehydration is key to better health for seniors. Janet Mentes PhD, APRN, BC in the American Journal of Nursing – June 2006, talks about why hydration matters:
Fluid balance, the state in which fluid intake equals output, is essential to health, regardless of a person's age. In older adults, adequate fluid consumption has been associated with fewer falls, lower rates of constipation, and lower rates of laxative use, as well as better rehabilitation outcomes in orthopedic patients and reduced risk of bladder cancer in men. 3-5 Drinking five or more 8-oz. glasses of water (but not other liquids) per day has been associated with lower rates of fatal coronary heart disease in middle-age and older adults than drinking two or fewer glasses. 6 And in one study, drinking 16 oz. of room-temperature water before a meal resulted in significantly lower rates of postprandial orthostatic hypotension in older adults who had autonomic failure. 7

There are a number of factors that contribute to dehydration in seniors. As we age our thirst mechanism becomes blunted we do not always realize that we need water. A second factor has to do with the changes to our body make up. From the age of puberty to the age of 39 - 60% of our body weight is fluid. After the age of 60 years old are men’s body fluid drops to 52% and women’s body fluid drops to 46%. Another factor is the loss of muscle as we age. Muscle cells contain more fluid than fat cells. Medication can also interfere with fluid balance.

Alexcia Hawkes in her blog article The Importance of Hydration in Old Age writes about the importance of drinking enough water. I find it amazing that dehydration contributes to falls, constipation as well as incontinence, and can increase confusion.

Nancy Hearn writes about 12 Symptoms of Dehydration. I didn’t know that cartilage in joints are made of fluid and that dehydration adds to joint problems.
Staying hydrated helps keep us healthy and functioning. Here’s to enjoying more H20 in our daily life and those we love.